How to make a wall

Dearest friends, here are the instructions on how to make a wall in many superfluous steps:

STEP 1: We can have lots of fun (oh my gosh, I love you forever if you get that reference; and if you do, you are most likely female and in your early 30s).

Okay, real STEP 1: Sit and stare at the chimney-type-structure that is in the corner of your kitchen for, oh, I don't know several hours over the course of several months. Inspect the chimney-type-structure. Pound on it in all sorts of places and determine it is part brick and mortar (from 1904), part drywall, and part random things that should be shoved in chimney-type-structures. Contemplate putting a pantry on the chimney-type-structure, but realize it is not a flat surface what with the mixed-media monstrosity that is going on behind layers and layers of paint. Peel off some of the paint just to see what's under there and then realize you need to build a wall-type-structure around your chimney-type-structure.

STEP 2: Buy a book by Stanley. Fall in love. Become so smitten with Stanley that you pore over every word he writes imagining he's reading them to you in his most virile and I-can-fix-anything manly voice.

STEP 3: Sigh.

STEP 4: Go to a party that your friend, the Man of Iron is hosting and realize that he, the Man of Iron, knows a heckuvalot about construction. Bat your eyes at him. Convince him that he really wants to help you build a wall. Because it will be fun, and because you will give him beer.

STEP 5: Go out and stock up on beer.

STEP 6: Buy your materials: two by fours, 16d nails, finishing nails, heavy duty wood adhesive, wainscoting, think about buying drywall but reconsider it (see steps 8 and 10).

STEP 7: Watch the Man of Iron crank through framing a wall. He's good, I mean real good. Do a lot of watching, but also do some cutting of the boards on the miter saw you scored on craigslist for $40. Thanks to Mr. Marcus your 10th grade woodworking teacher, remember that you actually do have some pretty good carpentry skills. But building a wall is not the same as making a nightstand.

STEP 8: Instead of buying drywall, consider stealing large scraps of particle board from the construction site that has become your nextdoor neighbor. Listen to the voice of the little girl inside of you who hates breaking rules and getting in trouble. Do not steal wood.

STEP 9: Install frame for your new wall [see diagram a]. Admire handiwork on creative access to your gas line for your stove (code? what code?).
STEP 10: The next day when you leave for work, holler up at the contractor working on the townhouse construction nextdoor. Bat your eyes at him (can he even tell from that distance or does he just think you have something in your contact). Ask him if they are using the materials that are strewn about the yard, say for instance the 8' sheets of particle board. He will tell you that everything back there is yours for the taking. Get so excited you almost pee your pants. Pick out your boards when you get home from work.

STEP 11: Beg the Man of Iron to come over again and help finish the wall. Admire his great skill. [See diagram to the right]. WARNING: Do not try this at home. No, not making a wall, but doing your carpentry in all of your spandex glory. Ladies, this one is single and in shape, and boy howdy can he rock the Lycra on the ladder, or what? He could be the living breathing Stanley. Interested? Let me know in your comments and we'll see about making a Love Connection.

STEP 12: After jumping around your kitchen squealing about how excited you are to have a wall. Start to finish it by putting wainscoting on it. It's really much simpler than one would think. Call it quits when you run out of wainscoting and know that you will finish it when you get more materials--including baseboard and crown molding, corner and edge pieces.

STEP 13: Write a blog post about building a wall that may take longer to write than the actual making of the wall.

STEP 14: Eventually prime and paint.